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In November 2024 I listened as my cousin eloquently eulogized my mother at her funeral. It was a lovely speech, but it was not my mother’s story. It was a curated version of her life. The life she lived on the outside, much of which was told to others in a distilled version. Moments before he started speaking, my uncle invited me to speak. I had long ago been unofficially designated both the family spokesperson and historian. I had eulogized my father decades before in a scen

Sunrise

Sloth in a tropical tree. I have two speeds. Turbo and sloth. I realized that they both get me to the same result, at around the same time. Most notably, I bypassed a year of college, took two years off, and then bypassed a year of law school. Yet I graduated law school at the same age I would have had I gone straight through. That realization changed how I think about productivity, ambition, and the stories we tell ourselves about what it means to be "on track." We live in a

Hiking trail at sunset in a cloud forest. For a long time, I told myself I had strong boundaries. I have long been disciplined with my time. Selective about who I engage with. I thought I had drawn the line about what I would and wouldn’t tolerate. From the outside, and to myself, it looked like I had it figured out. But if I take a good look, what I really had was an organized system of avoidance. I didn’t call it that. I called it focus. I called it professionalism. I cal

There are a lot of directions you can go with when you’re building something new. Predictable. Safe. I didn’t want those. Instead, I chose the lotus flower. Why? Because the lotus doesn’t pretend that the mud isn’t there. It grows despite it. Not just that. It thrives off the mud. Each day it rises like a phoenix out of murky water. Conditions that would choke out most things. Not only that, but it also emerges untouched. Unaffected. Intact. Each morning it opens. Each night

Rainbow over a meadow I’ve had this paperweight on my desk for decades with an adage attributed to Winston Churchill, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” I’ve often thought that sometimes difficult times are just something you get through. No commentary, you just get through them. I recently shared a traumatic experience with a friend. Recounted it in the course of catching up, not to ask for advice on how I should have dealt with this now-resolved issue. His respon

Let’s talk about self-worth. For much of my life, and probably still continuing to this day, I have tied my self-worth to achievement and my appearance. When I have been stopped in my tracks with illness or certain life events, I feel lost. A few months ago, I was forced to slow down not just physically but mentally. I had tubes and a pump connected to me for what seemed like it would be an eternity. I couldn’t lift my arms up. I couldn’t shower. I couldn’t wash my hair. I fe

“What do you like?” he asked. “I like to write,” said seven-year-old me. I hadn’t ever spoken those words out loud and I didn’t know where they came from. I just felt it from deep inside of me. When the words slipped out, I felt almost embarrassed. No, really embarrassed. But the caricature artist proceeded to draw me how I saw myself. Goofy. Awkward. Messy hair, too-short hair that barely covered the huge birthmark on my face. Freckles everywhere. Huge eyes and big lips. Loo

In April 2026 participated in a group workout class. My first in nearly a year. I left early – right in the middle of the class. And I didn’t feel bad or embarrassed about it. A year ago, I would have stayed in the class, pushing myself beyond injury. All to please the instructor who wasn’t listening to me and my physical limitations – and to avoid embarrassment in front of people I would likely not see again. That actually is what happened around a year ago. I had a shoulder

For a very long time I viewed the world as black and white, people as good or bad. Nothing in between. When I was a kid my dad would say, “Lani, life is not all or nothing. There are shades in between. And don’t use the word never or always – not with your family and friends, and not in business. Life is not that simple. You shouldn’t think in extremes.” Despite this caution, I’ve largely lived a life of extremes and wondered why I have magnetized drama into it. I’ve come to

After months of surgeries and barely being able to stand, I took my first hike of the year. I wasn’t chasing a New Year’s resolution or a smaller body. I was fighting for air, for my heart, and for proof that I’m still here. This is the story of learning to finding my way back to myself back one shaky step at a time.